| but i've been around the world a million times.. |
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| the gallows.. |
[09.07.2006 @ 07:03 P] |
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music |
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black dahlia murder. |
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who's with me on reinstating public hangings? eh? anyone?
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| because I <3 jessica. |
[06.11.2006 @ 10:42 P] |
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mood |
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 cheerful |
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and you will know us by the trail of dead.. |
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Leave your name and:
1. I'll respond with something random about you.
2. I'll challenge you to try something.
3. I'll pick a color that I associate with you.
4. I'll tell you something I like about you.
5. I'll tell you my first/clearest memory of you.
6. I'll tell you what animal you remind me of.
7. I'll ask you something I've always wanted to ask you.
8. If I do this for you, you must post this on yours.
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[04.24.2006 @ 03:29 P] |
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music |
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mindless self indulgence - 1989 |
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As of May, I will be living with a boy. A stinky, smelly cooties-infested boy.
:)
Be prepared for a major party toward the end of May at my apartment.
Let's get wasted.
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| it ain't easy.. |
[04.09.2006 @ 11:51 P] |
If I really sat down and thought about it, made a list even, I could see that I am most definitely wasting my time.
Sometimes when you're so overwhelmed with problems of all sorts, suicide seems like the only answer; the best answer. I mean, it is really the easy way out, a way to just be rid of it all... I admit I have those awful thoughts quite often, especially lately, lately as in about twice a day, but of course I never go through with it... and then, I realize that so many people do go through with it everyday... and then I think of their mothers, fathers, best friends, lovers..and it makes me cry. It makes me cry for even having those thoughts, because it's so fucking selfish. Before I can even complete a master plan of the way I'd choose to die, I think of my mother, my father and my little sister, and I get so incredibly upset because I know they worked so hard for me to be who I am and where I am today, and my little sister would be lost without me...I couldn't do that. No matter how much in debt I am, no matter how much I know some people hate me and wish they had never met me, no matter how many people I've ruined and how many things I've lied about, no matter how much I've fucked up in school, no matter how much I long to be a better person for Matt and no matter how much I wish I had friends who weren't ashamed of me...I can't get over the fact that my family needs me, and that's that. No matter how much I suck at life. Haha.
Ahh. I wasn't planning on writing all of that. It's just been on my mind a lot lately. I have an incredible amount of schoolwork to do this week and here I am.
and here I go.
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| Old time grudges will die so slowly, I know you miss the way I saw you and cold, you're so cold... |
[03.24.2006 @ 11:25 A] |
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I haven't updated any of these journals in forever...forever is about 2 weeks to me, shut up.
I got a job. *cheers*. I work at the Chicago Chocolate Company. Yeah. Be jealous. It's pretty freakin awesome. I'm a barista there but no one ever orders coffee, just their famous hot chocolate. You should visit, it's a pretty neat place.
John is about to pick me up so that I can finally get my tickets to some shows at the metro! HORSE the band (Sam will be there!), Eisley, Dresden Dolls, and Pretty Girls Make Graves. Sweeeeet.
Last night Meghan and I had margaritas and Fuck I missed her so much! I thought I'd never be able to have a real girl friend ever, but we talked for seriously the entire night straight without coming up for air, haha. It was great. We got drunk and took the bus up to Belmont/Clark, got food at Clarkes, and then waited for John to get out of his show at the Abbey Pub. We then proceeded on with the usual ritual after his shows: Chicago Pizza followed by Baskin Robbins. Every single time he goes to a concert, which happens to be like 3 times a week, we go there. Yeah, and I wonder why I weigh like, 5,000 pounds.
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[03.13.2006 @ 08:15 A] |
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music |
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explosions in the sky - glittering blackness |
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I am currently learning to accept the fact that I will never have the ability to properly socialize with other girls and for that matter, have friends, period. Attending a 'girls night out' event the other night that I was invited to, I was frustrated, yet annoyed with the fact that I am not like other girls. I do not like to act immature and play stupid with other girls for attention, nor do I like to dress up in extravagant clothes, while taking 1,000 photos of myself with liquor in my hands, desperately looking forward to a night of hitting up bars to make out with 1,000 random drunken men. Those, my friend, were the two groups of girls that attended this party, and me, well, I was pretty much standing in the middle of these two groups, sadly observing and being generally annoyed. Annoyed that I cannot be like them, or annoyed that they were utterly ridiculous? I don't know, you tell me. Maybe it's both. Maybe I was so annoyed because I so desperately wanted to be accepted, to conform to their ways, to be one of them, but at the same time, knowing how shallow and simple minded they were/are.
I don't get it. And frankly, part of me really doesn't want to.
Nonetheless, I stuck it out at that party, simply because I am horrible at making up excuses to leave, and I also feel bad doing that. Luckily, a few girls got restless about hittin up those bars, and so I left when they did, and went to Matt's. He was already sleeping, so I curled up next to him, and watched The Twilight Zone dvds that we rented from the library.
Another thing I am learning to accept is that boys are simply ridiculous as well. Possibly even more than girls. *gasp*. Yes, I know. But due to recent events, I've seen a few individuals true colors, and they were pretty ugly.
Hence the fact, that I will never have friends,
period.
It's funny, because even though Matt has put me through an incredible amount of bullshit and emotional torture, just as I have equally put him through, he has never once changed the person that he is, and that is all that matters. At the end of the day, he is the one that holds my head up when I sob over my school books, he is the one who runs with me when I am feeling yucky, he is the one dancing like the true ultimate white boy just to hear my laugh, and he is the one who will never deny that we ever existed. and I love him dearly for that. He is a true best friend. and we just work. I can't explain it, and I won't try, for only my roommate, Elizabeth will understand, because she has experienced it first hand. Matt and I are the most stubborn, critical, loving people that have ever existed, really.
fin.
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[03.06.2006 @ 11:00 P] |
Opened this baby back up just to comment on everyone's journals. I definitely won't update..because that's what awesome xanga is for. :-P
< 3 monica.
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femme_xfatale's journal
